Jordan Rubio

Nedroid Fun Times: Noir Fiction

Pictures of the Spider-Man!

Mr. Jameson: I need pictures of the SpiderMan!

Peter Parker: But I gave you pictures! These are amazing! Here he is punching Doctor Octupus!

Mr. Jameson: NO!NO! I need more revealing pictures of the Spider-Man.

Peter Parker: What do you mean! This is as revealing as it is going to get!

Mr. Jameson: No, I need REVEALING pictures!

Peter Parker: I am still not entirely sure…

Mr. Jameson: I just need some well lit, hi-def, revealing photos of the Spiderman. Maybe even some where he “forgets” his spider outfit. (Winking) If you are catching my drift Parker.

Peter Parker: More of those?

Mr. Jameson: Yes Parker.

Peter Parker: (Whispers) I hate myself.

Answering Machine

Hello…Hello is anybody there…Look I can’t really hear you…HA! Just kidding I am not really there…Sike again, I am! So what’s up?…Ok seriously I really didn’t catch that…HA! Got you again! You’re a gullible one! But really, I am not near the phone at the moment. But I wish I was! Because then I could be talking to you! And that would just be awesome. You know, in this fast paced world we live in if you are wiling to take the time to call me then I must consider you a true friend and I love you…Wow, feels good to finally let that out. You know I heard if you vocalize what you want it is more likely to happen. So love really has made its way into a lot of my speech nowadays. And yes, I know Sherie died 10 years ago and that I should be moving on by now but easier said than done. God, you know that was the last thing I said to her before she slipped and hit her head on that table corner. Haven’t been able to buy a table since. Been eating off of paper plates on the floor. Not so glamorous, but I probably deserve it. I am a worthless piece of garbage anyway and I deserve all the pain I have. Life is fair that way. Life is REAL FUCKING FAIR AINT IT! IF IT GIVES YOU A GLIMMER OF HOPE IT JUST WOULDN’T BE FAIR IF IT DIDN’T JUST SHIT ALL OVER THAT GLIMMER. AN EYE FOR AN EYE. OR IN MY CASE A BLODDY TABLE FOR A DEAD WIFE! That was my deal…well anyway leave a message after the beep and I will try to get back at you as soon as I can. And oh, by the way, this is my work phone so please no solicitations.

Beep.

Rosa Parks was a hoarder

`Many people know Rosa Parks as a civil rights activist or “the mother of the freedom movement. ” But here’s something many people don’t know about Parks—she was a hoarder. You heard right, folks: a window seat was not the only thing she refused to give up. This news has left the world in shock; many people are asking difficult questions. Many are left questioning if maybe her refusal to give up her seat was vastly overblown.  And now, an exclusive look at Rosa Park’s hoarding.

 

All the Things Mrs. Parks Refuses to Give Up:

·      An extensive collection of “National Geographic KIDS” magazines. None of which she has ever read.

·      An old basketball she adamantly claims she dunked with one time while nobody was around.

·      50 jars filled exclusively with the liquid that comes from Gushers fruit snacks.

·      A picture of her dead mother. Who was not only a huge influence on her life but the only person who ever truly believed in her.

·      A large pile of skulls that could either be from humans or some kind of large squirrel.

·      Every “That’s what I call music” cd.

·      A 12-pack of vuvuzelas.

·      A ring that was given to her by her best friend.

·      Boxes upon boxes containing autographed headshots of herself.

·      The real living body of Martin Luther King Jr.

·      110 pounds of dog food that is scattered through out her house.

·      1000 photocopies of a state fair ticket that proves that she attended a state fair once.

·      A room filled entirely with cans of non-perishable food in an attempt to prove that at some point in time, they will perish.

·      Every single prop from the set of the hit Nickelodeon game show “Legends of the Hidden Temple”.

·      A mile’s worth of shoelaces that she has extracted exclusively from homeless men’s sneakers.

·      76 stolen Hershey Park Brochures.

·      An innumerable amount of nativity scenes that only consist of the donkey and one of the three kings.

·      Her only son whose only wish is to go to college.

Chivalry found dead in doorway

Fairfax, VA—For years there was incessant speculation from the public about the state of chivalry, and whether or not it was in fact dead. The popular belief was that it did indeed die in a horrible robbery where Chivalry was thought to be protecting a young woman from gunfire. Some say it died saving a similar young woman from drowning in the rough waters of the Jersey shore. And yet there were always a select few who believe Chivalry was in fact still alive and well, though only under the cover of night. But all bets are off now as Chivalry has been found dead inside of a doorway at a local gas station. The cause of death is said to be suicide. Reports are saying that after so many years of service Chivalry began to feel unappreciated. Particularly over the past 15 years. Friend’s of Chivalry said it complained of never hearing “thank you” anymore and that “it’s almost like people just expect me to always be around no matter what.” Chivalry began its exploits to help men get laid and its mantra had not changed for hundreds of years. “Every man laid is another man saved” was something Chivalry said to itself every morning. Although Chivalry seemed to lose focus when one day yet another person walked through an open door with nothing but a smirk and a head nod, this threw it over the edge as Chivalry decided at that moment to overdose on Claritin and Tylenol. Chivalry was a hero to many and will always be remembered by women and most likely forgotten my most men. And once and for all it can be said that Chivalry is in fact dead. Chivalry was survived by its cat and buried in a puddle on a street corner that was covered by a jacket. 

The mind of a Tweeter

There is always one question on everyone’s mind nowadays and that question is “What do people who use the social networking site “Twitter” actually think about?” So I decided to conduct some research of my own to get inside the psyche of twitter user. And after many experiments and trials I have now gathered enough empirical data, to show how users of twitter think in various situations. A list is located below:

1.     Twitter user notices a pang in their stomach they recognize as hunger.

Thought: I must tell everyone.

2.     Twitter user notices that the weather outside has deviated from the previous day’s weather.

Thought: I must tell everyone.

3.     Twitter user notices that they are unhappy about an old film they have just watched on Netflix.

Thought: I must tell everyone.

4.     Twitter user notices that their grandfather’s life is no more.

Thought: I must tell everyone.

5.     Twitter user notices that their bank funds are quite low and will soon run out.

Thought: I must tell everyone.

6.     Twitter user notices that the only family they ever had is gone and that they are not the true parent of their child.

Thought: I must tell everyone.

7.     Twitter user notices that their health is slowly deteriorating and that they probably will never walk or see ever again.

Thought: I must tell everyone.

8.     Twitter user notices that he/she is slowly becomes more aware of the fragility of life, and begins to recognize their own mistake of not recognizing every second as a precious flower in the garden of life.

Thought: I must tell everyone.

9.     Twitter user notices that perhaps God is more than an all-powerful being and is maybe simply an essence that is within every single person.

Thought: I must tell everyone.

10. Twitter user notices that their cat makes funny faces sometimes.

Thought: I must show everyone.